I never watch the Oscars. If I wanted to watch narcissists congratulate themselves for desecrating the cultural landscape I’d activate the spy cameras I have installed at the homes of Rush, Mark, and I’ll just leave it up to you whether I’m referencing musicians or talk show hosts because the joke isn’t good enough to improve the wording.  Seriously though: I watch movies — sometimes.  Artsy fartsy praise among so-called entertainers does not entertain me. Entertaining me may entertain me.

So every Oscar night I wander over to the Facebook, the network intended for networking and artificial socialization and change my profile picture to Homer the Stonecutter because of that one famous line

Who rigs every Oscar night?

The answer is, of course

We do!

That is how I celebrate every Oscar Night.  That is the only way I celebrate Oscar Night.