Date: Feb 22, 2007 7:09 PM
Subject Dim Bulbs

Swedish retailer IKEA has targeted American consumers for re-education.

IKEA provides — they provide them — 70 million plastic bags every year to its US shoppers, el freebo. But now IKEA is scolding you for taking them! IKEA spokesperson Mona Astra Liss criticizes “the average American family of four” for throwing away “1,500 single-use polyethylene bags, which [don’t] degrade for 1,000 years; less than 1 percent are recycled.” You idiots! So Ikea’s bag giveaway will stop. Says Mona Astra: “Our objective is to get [Americans] to really think about the impact of the bags which are strangling the–” Well, you’re giving them away! What the hell is this!

From now on, you stupid American environmental destroyers are going to have to pay a nickel a bag for the honor of shopping at IKEA outlets — and that’s just Step One. Next, after you dolts get your minds right, IKEA will ban the bags altogether and you’ll have to bring your own cloth bags if you want to shop there. When that blessed day arrives, fragile Mother Erf — now choking on 100 billion American plastic bags yearly in her landfills — will flourish!

Oh, by the way, the “18-Seconds Movement” is growing, folks. That’s a campaign to make you idiots replace your planet-destroying incandescent light bulbs with “erf-friendly” compact fluorescents. (18 seconds is the average time it takes to change a lightbulb.) The Energy Department, the EPA, Yahoo, and Wal-Mart are joining forces with wacko light bulb activists to shame you into changing your bulbs.

18 seconds to change a light bulb? I thought that’s what staff are for.